How to Choose Friendships That Protect Your Marriage

I have lived in many cities over the years, which means I have had to make new friends again and again.

When Melvina and I moved to Charlotte, we met a couple and quickly became very close. Maybe too close. At first, it felt like a gift from God in a new place: shared meals, laughter, church, long talks. We trusted them and let them into our world.

Then Melvina and I went through a stretch in our marriage that was tense and uncomfortable. Like any couple, we had a season where we were working through pain and misunderstandings.

During that time, I trusted this couple with parts of our story. Looking back, that was where things shifted. Instead of helping us draw closer to each other, they seemed to pick sides in our marriage. Little by little, that choice created a strain in the friendship.

Things went downhill from there.
By the grace of God, Melvina and I were able to overcome that season and move forward. The marriage healed, but the friendship never did. The couple who had been so close to us were not there to rebuild what had been broken between us.

It reminded me of the saying, “Familiarity breeds contempt.” Sometimes when people get too close to the private space of your marriage, they stop seeing it as sacred.

Maybe you have felt something similar:

🛑 You let friends too deep into your marital struggles, and it backfires.
🛑 You notice someone in your circle taking sides instead of promoting peace.
🛑 You feel the tension of wanting community but needing to protect your covenant.

Here is what I am learning:
Friendships are a blessing, but not everyone should be invited into the center of your marriage.

Why Wise Boundaries Protect Both Marriage And Friendship

That Charlotte experience taught me a few things I carry into this new chapter in Sacramento.

1. Not every good friend is a good marriage counselor
Some people love you, but they do not have the maturity, discernment, or neutrality to walk with you through marital conflict. If they start seeing you as “the good one” and your spouse as “the problem,” the friendship can become a wedge.

2. Your marriage needs a safe inner circle
There is a difference between healthy counsel and emotional dumping. Your spouse should not feel like they are in competition with your friends for your loyalty or respect.

3. Real friends protect unity, not division
A true friend will encourage you to listen, forgive, and work toward reconciliation. They will not feed your anger, spread your business, or celebrate your separation.

The right friends help you face adversity, they do not become the adversity.

Biblical Example: Job And His Friends

Job’s friends started well. They sat with him in silence, shared his grief, and were physically present in his pain. The problem began when they started speaking from limited understanding and wrong assumptions.

Their words did not bring comfort, they added confusion and accusation.

They remind me that not everyone who is close, talkative, and spiritual sounding is actually helpful in a vulnerable season. Presence is not the same as wisdom.

In our marriages, we need friends who will:

• Listen without rushing to judgment

• Pray before they speak

• Encourage us to seek God and each other, not just their opinion

5 Questions To Help You Discern Healthy Friendships Around Your Marriage

Here are some reflective questions I am asking myself after that Charlotte chapter:

1️⃣ Do these friends honor both me and my spouse?
If someone constantly criticizes your spouse or only validates your side, that is a warning sign.

2️⃣ Do I leave conversations more peaceful or more agitated?
Pay attention to how you feel after sharing. Do you feel closer to reconciliation or further away?

3️⃣ Are they pointing me toward God’s word or just my emotions?
Good friends acknowledge your feelings but anchor you in truth.

4️⃣ Have I created clear boundaries about what I share?
Some things belong in prayer, in counseling, or in private conversations with your spouse, not in every group chat or coffee meeting.

5️⃣ Do they celebrate our healing as much as they listened to our hurt?
The couple in Charlotte listened when things were hard, but they were not there when God restored us. Healthy friends are just as invested in your restoration as they are in your struggle.

How To Guard Your Marriage While Still Welcoming Community

I am not advocating isolation. We need people. Melvina and I still value friendships deeply. But we are learning to be more intentional.

Here are some practices that help:

📝 Take your deepest issues to God and each other first
Before you pick up the phone, pick up the Word. Before you vent, talk to your spouse. Let friends be support, not the foundation.

📝 Choose one or two wise, trustworthy mentors
If you seek outside counsel, choose people who are spiritually mature, discreet, and for your marriage, not just for you.

📝 Refuse to let others “pick sides”
If you notice a friend leaning toward division, gently but firmly pull back from those conversations. You can say, “I appreciate your care, but I want to protect how we talk about my spouse.”

📝 Pray for friendships that strengthen your covenant
Ask God for couples and individuals who will walk with you, pray with you, and speak life over your home.

Love sometimes looks like setting boundaries that keep your marriage sacred.

Your Turn

Take a moment to reflect:

• Is there a friendship that has gotten too close to the center of your marriage?

• Do you need to reset some boundaries, or invite a wiser voice into your life?

Ask the Holy Spirit to highlight one step you can take today to protect your marriage while still living in community.

About the Author

Winston Cole is not a 20 year old guru promising overnight wins.

He is a 50+ educator and engineer who immigrated from Sierra Leone 35 years ago with a travel bag and a few dollars. He taught special education by day, studied funnels and affiliate marketing by night, and rebuilt his life after losing everything in the 2008 financial crisis. Married for 37 years, Winston is faith first and family focused.

Winston helps midlife professionals and educators reinvent themselves with integrity, community, and practical systems. If he found freedom in midlife, you can too.

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